Training Our Children

The Children’s Day celebration was marked a few days ago and my heart was stirred to write a post along the line of godly parenting. I will continue the series on our words/speech next week.

We live in an age that has been aptly described as one of “disappearance of childhood”. With the development of electronics, mass media and now the social media, we now have children who are exposed to every sort of information. If we agree that a group is largely defined by the exclusivity of the information its members share, then we must understand that the distinctions between adult and children populations are narrowing very rapidly. The lines that separated the information adults and children are exposed to are blurring to almost imperceptible levels.

This scenario makes it even more important for us to brace up to the task of godly parenting in this challenging period. This week, I am sharing 4 basic convictions from the Scriptures that will help us in this regard:

1. The primary responsibility of training children is given to the parents by God.

Even though some verses of Scripture seem to mention only the father in admonitions about training children (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21), many other verses of Scripture involve both father and mother in the process (Proverbs 1:8, Proverbs 4:3, Proverbs 6:20, Proverbs 23:22, Ephesians 6:1, Colossians 3:20). Some women try to shirk that responsibility by referring to the earlier verses but you see, as parents, we need to understand that we have the God-given mandate to train our children. Both father and mother are involved. In fact, there are many people in Scripture, in history and even in modern times whose training was heavily dependent on their mothers. Timothy for example (Paul’s ministry associate who he lovingly referred to as a “dear son”) appears to have been deeply influenced by the faith of his grandmother Lois and then his mother Eunice (2^nd Timothy 1:5).

This primary responsibility of training our children should not be shelved aside or passed on to other people. Some of us parents leave the role of training to the nanny, neighbours, extended family members, the children’s ministry of our local church, school or the media. While all these may play a role in how you train your child, none of them should take up the “primary trainer” position.

It is important to point out that it is unwise to pursue professional success and then fail in parenthood. Eli had a record of being successful Priest but he was a defective parent. As parents we must always pay attention to this aspect of our lives with utmost care.

2. Each child is unique

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6) is a very popular verse of Scripture but I believe it has been mostly improperly understood. This is not the platform to do a thorough exegetical analysis of the verse but the original Hebrew terms for the phrase “in the way he should go” indicate a sense of uniqueness of personality in each child. It is a reference to the path that is especially suited to an individual’s character. The proverb therefore is actually teaching us to closely study each child and adapt our training to guide the child.

We need to understand that each child is a distinct person, a one-of-a-kind individual. Each child comes with his/her set of talents, interests, temperaments, habits, etc. As parents, we must learn to adapt our training to co-operate with God’s design of each of our children.

We must consistently avoid unhealthy comparisons in our children or demonstrations of parental favoritism for one child over the other. A good example to learn from is the story of Esau and Jacob with their parents Isaac and Rebecca.

3. Training our children will involve discipline

Though it was highlighted above that each child is unique, there is however a common thread in all children. There is a natural or in-born tendency to act foolishly (see Proverbs 22:15, Psalm 51:5, Psalm 58:3). Discipline is the corrective response of parents to the child’s foolishness and it should be consistently practiced.

I have noticed that human beings seem to swing like pendulums in behavior and child discipline is one of the areas I have seen this sort of pendulum swings. I am in my late 30s and I grew up in Africa. Many of our parents perhaps over-disciplined their children but what is a concern now is that many children are either being under-disciplined or not being disciplined at all. The popular term in my country for such children is “spoilt children”.

Opinions may differ but I consider 3 main modalities of disciplining children to be appropriate: corporal punishment, withdrawal of privileges from the child and assigning additional responsibility to the child.

4. Training our children involves teaching

By teaching I am referring to a process of communicating specific values and lessons to your child. This can be done in 2 main ways:

a.      Verbal communications: Most of the book of Proverbs is constructed in the format of verbal instructions from parents to their children, see Ephesians 6:4 also. In Deuteronomy 6, God instructed the people of Israel to ensure they taught their children in verbal communications.

This form of teaching can be done at deliberately planned times when as parents we take our children through different lessons appropriate for their ages or it could occur spontaneously at so called “teachable moments” which are unplanned opportunities that arise, providing an ideal chance to offer insight.

b.      Modeling the right behavior: Teaching does not only occur through verbal communication. It also occurs through demonstration or modeling. Children particularly will absorb and learn from behavior that is modeled to them.

In Genesis 26: 6-7 we read of how Isaac lied about his wife Rebecca. He lied that she was his sister to avoid being killed. While people usually lie to get out of difficult predicaments, this particular tactic was actually one that his father Abraham had adopted years before (see Genesis 12:13 and Genesis 20:2).

Training our children through teaching should not only be in a “do as I say” format. It should also be a “do as I do” format. Be a model of the sort of behavior you want from them. Live your life in an authentic way as a pattern for them to follow.

Transformed Speech

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

Ephesians 4:29 KJV

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

This old English rhyme first appeared in a Church publication in 1862. The intention was to encourage children to overlook insults directed at them by other people and refrain from physical retaliation when verbally abused. While it is good to teach children to remain calm in the face of insults, unfortunately, it is not true that words will never hurt. In fact, words do hurt. Words can break. Words can harm and hurt.

I consider speech or the use of words one of the highest faculties we possess as human beings and the truth is that our words are powerful. Words spoken to children in their formative years go a long way in shaping their sense of identity and purpose in life. The words we use in our communications also impact on personal and even national relationships.

For instance, according to verifiable historical accounts, 2 of the greatest powers in Europe in 1870, the Kingdom of Prussia and the Empire of France went to war because the Chancellor of Prussia altered the words of a published telegram. The telegram inflamed public opinion in France, leading to a declaration of war. France was defeated and some part of erstwhile French territory was annexed to Germany. This resulted in some resentment against Germany and contributed in no small measure to the tensions that led to the First World War. All these happened because of the use of words.

It is with the recognition of the power of words and speech that the Scriptures are replete with different instructions and admonitions about how words should be used:

“Careless words stab like a sword, but the words of wise people bring healing.”

Proverbs 12:18 God’s Word

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”

Proverbs 15:1 KJV

“A gentle statement is a tree of life, but perverted speech shatters the spirit.”

Proverbs 15:4 International Standard Version

“What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words”

Proverbs 18:21 Good News Bible

Photo credit: https://www.collegepond.com

It had been claimed in a popular book that women use 20, 000 words per day while men use 7, 000. However, a 2007 study conducted by a team of researchers at the University of Arizona using electronically activated recorders estimated the total number of words that each volunteer spoke daily for an average of 17 hours daily. They concluded that the average number of words in women was 16, 215 and in men 15, 669. Interestingly, both the highest number in any of the volunteers (47, 000 words a day) and the lowest number (700 words daily) were found in men.

Though we may disagree with the research findings, what we must agree on is that the average daily number of words spoken is so high and the way we use our words becomes an issue of paramount importance. I am convinced that if our verse in focus this week is obeyed and applied consistently in our lives, we would have less divorce, less church splits, less child rebellion, less inter-personal clashes and more peace in our societies.

The word “corrupt” in Ephesians 4:29 is the Greek word “sapros” which means “rotten”. Just as rotten food will not in any way nourish our bodies but rather contaminate, rotten words do not nourish. Rotten words tear people down. They make people sick emotionally. They create negative atmospheres in homes, families, relationships and churches. Rotten words sometimes leave emotional scars in adults from years of childhood abuse.

While such rottenness in speech may be the order of the day in the world, for believers in Christ, the new life we have in Him ought to be characterized by a transformed speech.

“It's not right that dirty stories, foolish talk, or obscene jokes should be mentioned among you either…”

Ephesians 5:4 God’s Word

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt…”

Colossians 4:6 International Standard Version

According to Ephesians 4:29, our words should be edifying and ministering grace to our hearers. We ought to use words that will bring encouragement, praise, appreciation and express gratefulness. Our words should be loving, kind and gentle words. Even in correcting or rebuking people, our words should still express grace. Our words should build people up, bring health to those who hear us and create positive atmospheres all around us. As you go into the week, think about this: how will you use your 16, 000 words every day?  

To be continued…

Off With The Grave Clothes!

Photo credit: http://anglicanorthodoxchurch.blogspot.com.ng

John 11 tells the story of how Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. Personally, I have been challenged by that passage of the Scriptures and I have learnt so much from it. This week, I will be directing our hearts to an interesting statement our Lord made after He had called Lazarus forth from the grave:

“Loose him, and let him go.”

John 11:44

The usual way bodies were prepared for burial in Palestine at the time involved wrapping many folds of linen strips in swaddling bands. Such rolls of linen would have made it extremely difficult if not impossible for any living person to move around. They were not meant for the living, they were grave clothes after all.

Lazarus still had all his grave clothes on even after Jesus had raised him to life and it was these rolls of linen that Jesus asked the people to unbind Lazarus from. Jesus knew that the demands of life were not compatible with the paraphernalia of the grave. Though Lazarus had been in the grave for some days and even if his body had perhaps become accustomed to the “comfort” of those linen strips, the miracle of his restoration to life by our Lord meant he needed to take off those grave clothes.

This is the same point the Holy Spirit through the Apostle Paul communicates to us in his epistle to the Ephesians:

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 4:22 – 24 NIV

When we come to faith in Christ, a tremendous change occurs in our lives. A radical change, the greatest miracle of all takes place. We are made alive and redeemed (see previous posts in the “In Him” series for more details). However, we must realize that we cannot live the new life in Christ with the “old grave clothes” of our former lives. The demands of the new life are not compatible with the paraphernalia of the old self.

This new life demands a radical change in lifestyle, values, standards, goals and conduct that will only be possible when we renew our minds.

“…be made new in the attitude of your minds…”

Ephesians 4:23 NIV 

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”

Romans 12:2 NIV

Lazarus needed to be unbound from his physical grave clothes. We need to unbind the grave clothes in our minds. Patterns of our previous life need to be changed. Some of those thoughts have become entrenched in our minds like mighty strongholds (2^nd Corinthians 10:4 & 5). In addition, on-going influences in our world and in the culture around us continually attempt to conform us to the world’s pattern. But as we allow the word of God to have an influence on our minds, those “old grave clothes” become loosened.

So dear believer in Christ, this week I encourage you to expose yourself to the word of God and learn to focus your mind on His truth. Off with the “old grave clothes”, abandon the old life and embrace your new life in Christ.

More About The Believer (4): Gifted By God Part 2

Even though the original intention was not to do an in depth discussion of spiritual gifts, it has become imperative for a second post along the same line.

In this post I will be providing an answer to this question: How do I recognize or develop my gifts?

To answer this question, it is important to point out that there is really no scriptural passage that teaches us about discovering our gifts. The passages I referred us to in the last post- the 2 chapter 4s and the 2 chapter 12s (Ephesians 4, 1st Peter 4, Romans 12 and 1st Corinthians 12) just teach us to go ahead and use our gifts.

I have come across a number of tools that have been developed by different Christian Ministries/Ministers to help people identify their gifts. Essentially, they consist of series of questions aimed at helping believers in Christ identify their specific areas of gifting. A simple Google search of the term "spiritual gifts tool" will yield some good results.

However, I have found the following simple points helpful both personally and in the lives of other Christians in the process of recognizing and developing gifts with a view to playing the specific roles God has us to in our lives:

1. Be aware of the complete package of gifts/abilities in your life.

This complete package of gifts/abilities includes the following:

a. Natural gifts: By natural gifts, I mean abilities endowed genetically, transmitted to us through our parents and present from birth. Such natural gifts also need to be developed. Musical gifts, writing skills, linguistic abilities, mechanical aptitudes, e.t.c. are examples of such gifts.

b. Learnt or acquired abilities: These are specific abilities we may not necessarily have been born with but have been learnt through vocational training or education. For instance, I have acquired a number of skills in my medical training. Some of us have learnt how to play musical instruments, while others have acquired communication skills.

c. Spiritual gifts: These as defined in last week's post are supernaturally endowed gifts which were not transmitted genetically through our parents but by the operation of the Holy Spirit in our lives as believers in Christ. One way to identify what these could possibly be would be to consider areas of ministry in which we received sincere commendation from other believers about how well we did. Other ways would be to identify areas of service/ministry in which we feel most comfortable in and have received sincere feedback about how well people were blessed by our service. All these would be pointers to possible areas of our spiritual giftings.

2. Yield the whole of your life to God for His use.

Many of us compartmentalize our lives and only offer some aspects of ourselves to God. We must however learn as Scriptures teach us to present the whole of our lives to God for His use. Whether natural gifts, acquired skills or spiritual gifts, we ought to present the totality of our beings to God for His use (see Romans 12:1, 1^st Peter 4:1,2)

3. Take available opportunities for service.

Philip and Stephen were picked as deacons in the early church (Acts 6:1-5). Unlike in some modern day churches where being a deacon is more of a prestigious church title, being a deacon at that time was a menial task. Their role involved sharing food and supplies among the large number of church members who needed it. Philip went on to become an Evangelist to Samaria and beyond (Acts 8 and 9). Stephen himself was without doubt a man full of faith and fervent in the Spirit (Acts 6:5, 8). His speech recorded in Acts 7 shortly before his martyrdom indicate he was also filled with the knowledge of God and probably had a communicative gift. Yet these men did not refuse the opportunity to be of service in the early church as food stewards.

Barnabas who initially partnered Apostle Paul in missionary work was originally named Joses. He was named Barnabas (meaning son of exhortation) by the apostles as a testimony to his ability for speaking or exhorting people (Acts 4:36, Acts 11:23). But again, the first mention of Barnabas was in respect of his giving (see Acts 4:36, 37).

I have learnt that it is in the place of sincere devotion and service to God that our specific giftings become apparent and are sharpened. I remember serving with devotion in the Technical Crew and Music Unit of my Campus Christian Fellowship group as a Medical Student in the University. It was in that process I recognized the specific gifts of grace God has placed in me. I also learned to gradually allow God to sharpen and develop those abilities in me.

I hope these points will be helpful to you as they have been for me and many others with whom I have shared them with. Remember again like I wrote last week: you are not gift-less. Use your God-given gifts well.